I was going to share an essay about September and the nostalgic feeling that creeps in as soon as the temperatures start cooling down, in fact, I wrote the essay, edited it, and found images to go along with it but today, my publishing day, as I reread it one last time before hitting the ‘publish’ button, it just didn’t feel right. I’d included my favorite places to visit, and activities to do in the cities I’d lived in: Brooklyn, London, Berlin. On paper, it sounded nice, a list full of recommendations that could be useful or inspiring to others, but feeling-wise, for me, it didn’t feel that right because I think I am stuck on what Oliver Burkman describes in detail in a chapter called ‘The inevitability of settling’ in his book Four Thousand Weeks (which, by the way, I do recommend you to read).
I look back and romanticize these past versions of myself and the places where I lived as if they only carried positives.
In Italian, we have a way of describing this as “Avere il prosciutto sugli occhi” which literally translates to having ham over your eyes. The closest viable English translation could be having your head in the sand, although it doesn’t even come close to describing the intensity of the feeling of being unable to see things clearly - hence, romanticizing.
I look back at those years and I can filter only the good bits, as if I am operating an Aeropress to make the best coffee with my life’s beans.
Let’s take Berlin, for instance, when September hits, and this incredible wave of nostalgia comes crushing, all I can remember are the streets filled with crackling leaves, my beautiful neighborhood, walking the dog towards my favorite used bookshop, stopping for coffee, calmly, and rigorously sip it outside because this is that time of the year where despite the chilly air, I’d still want to be outdoors - blankets and all.
Fall is a magical time of the year to be in Berlin. I could go on and relive the memories of walking to the art supply store, or the tiny but marvelous yarn shop. I could go on with these memories for days, sinking deeper into this nostalgia that will inevitably bring me to revisit pictures in my camera roll and all I see is that beautiful yet painful nostalgia.
I have selectively removed all the bureaucratic nightmares, the loud noises, the drunk people and shattered beer bottles on the streets after weekends, the sight of people pooping on the street in bright daylight, the shady rules related to having your own business and tax declarations and the even messier ones related to health insurance.
This is what Fall does to me, and this kind of selective nostalgia comes at a price.
Burkeman says:
“We invariably prefer indecision over committing ourselves to a single path” in other words, he says “It’s easy for me to fantasize about, say, a life spent achieving stellar professional success, while also excelling as a parent and partner, while also dedicating myself to training for marathons or lengthy meditation retreats or volunteering in my community - because as long as I’m only fantasizing, I get to imagine all of them unfolding simultaneously and flawlessly. As soon as I start trying to live any of those lives, though, I’ll be forced to make trade-offs - to put less time than I’d like into one of those domains, so as to make space for another - and to accept that nothing I will do will go perfectly anyway, with the result that my actual life will inevitably prove disappointing by comparison with the fantasy.”
That’s what happens. I get stuck in this world of fantasy that handpicks the best experiences in the cities I lived in between the months of September and November whilst life here, the one I am living, gets suspended. I do this to myself every year with a pretty miserable result: I make it to winter, the hardest season to survive in Scandinavia, and feel pretty exhausted.
So, this year, inspired by some authors I love here on Substack (my favorite here from Sophia Hembeck who is also running a Kickstarter for her new book - which I feel is worth supporting) I’ve decided to write my own wee list of things that I am looking forward to for Fall, this Fall, not the one I lived in Brooklyn, London or Berlin years ago.
Reading, reading, reading
I have to write it multiple times because I crave good reads. I want to get lost in fiction, physiology, essays, and memoirs. I am looking forward to reading ‘The Secret History’ by Donna Tart and ‘Intermezzo’, the new novel by Sally Rooney.
Sewing
Last year my mother seriously introduced me to sewing. She’s wonderful at it, so much so that she sewed most of my clothes throughout my upbringing. At the time you can guess how much I just wanted store-bought clothes, now, I’ve been loving to experiment with tailoring, and making jackets might just be my favorite thing to sew thus far.
Knitting-Crocheting
Even if I am not an expert knitter or crocheter, I deeply enjoy the meditative practice. I’d love to explore with items of clothing, not just the usual accessories.
Writing
I am looking forward to spending time writing as if nobody is reading.
Cooking
Cooking in general, but rich delicious breakfast oatmeals above all else.
Farmers market
Visiting closeby farmers' markets to pick out locally sourced vegetables.
Going to the Cinema
I will keep my fingers crossed for titles that are not just the next ‘blockbuster’ release on the Swedish market. I want to investigate independent cinema experiences and bring back that joy in my life.
Remove Instagram from my home screen
I need a break from the overconsumption. Nothing feels particularly honest and I’m quite frankly tired of being pushed perfect lives, things to buy, and announcements stories. ‘Exciting news coming to be revealed soon”. No, thank you.
Privacy
This point is somehow connected to the one above. I look forward to living my life privately without the need to share my every professional and private move, if not with friends, actual friends. If I feel like sharing I will, otherwise, well, I won’t.
Going for long walks
I am looking forward to taking Dale for long walks in nature. There’s something so beautiful about the chilly air, wearing thick sweaters without coats and seeing the leaves change color.
Sayin no
I’ve already written about it here. I am looking forward to continue practicing saying no to things I don’t want to do and welcoming the hard conversations that need to be had.
Friendships
Friendships are very hard at this age (we all know that) so, this Fall I am looking forward to spending time with the people who also want to spend time with me.
Nesting
I am looking forward to turning candles on, making my apartment cozier and warmer, like a small sanctuary for my sanity.
Wordle, Crosswords, Sudoku
Fall TV-Watching
Rewatching some classics like: The Sopranos, Twin Peaks, The Bear (have you watched the last season? Thoughts?!), Gilmore Girls, When Harry Met Sally.